i now find myself often wondering a great many things, do the ghosts of our past rule us ? can we not move forward in a positive way to overcome that which has haunted us for so very long? i just dont know anymore. there are days when i feel like a hero, one who saved another in one way or another. but i grow tired of this feeling, how i grow tired of feeling obligated to help people. i feel like so many people have allowed me to help and then once the deed was done i simply didnt matter anymore. little by little i was just allowed to fade away because i wasnt needed anymore. the ghosts of my past haunt me, the ghost of others confounds me. i try to understand why they did it or how they let it happen and yet i draw a blank, being unable to see it from their perspective. i just cant. as hard as i try to understand i am just unable. it hurts, its so hard to feel so upset over issues that didnt even have anything to do with me and yet because i cannot understand why they happened they caused me pain. there are days when i just want to throw in the towel. days i just want to forget everything and move far far away from all of this.oh how i envy the phoenix and its ability to be reborn and just start a new. we dabble in the same problems long enough and we begin to lose hope that they will ever get better, are these forced changes for the better ? or will they overall be fruitless? i just dont know. how i miss the times not so far ago. i miss the moments that just made me soar. the days at lunch with all our friends, when all our friendships were unconditional, when we were all there for one another without compromise or bribe but just because we were friends. it feels like now with all our new found freedom that we all are just growing apart. little by little, and as time moves on we all lose touch. oh how hollow it makes me feel. to feel like im more and more alone everyday. those once close giving little more then a passing glance. how i miss the times we all hung out and laughed, when things were so care free.how i miss idaho, i miss its joys so deeply now that o feel trapped in this feeling of nostalgia. i miss being so far away from the worlds problems. i miss feeling embraced in the beauty of someplace so wondrous and yet so simple. i feel like all those who can help me are so far away now, that those i truly connected with are just out of my reach. haunted by all these ghosts, it would seem that im the one in need of rescue, im the one who needs some help. perhaps im the one who needs a hero. for i am the one that now feels so broken. yet i dont know where to turn anymore.